Adventures with Edward: Edward visits Boulder, Colorado

Setting: Boulder, Colorado

Edward hears I am going on a trip to a far off country, full of snow and mountains. He begs to go. He must try to get his mind off of Bella Doll. Plus he has a scarf. So he is ready. I tell him to hop in my bag and get comfortable. He wiggles in next to my knitting and mittens.



We board the plane. He climbs out of my bag and finds his seat. He scoffs at the seat belt. The Sky Mall magazine holds his interest for 13.9 seconds. Then he is bored.



The flights are short. Edward watches Ladyhawke on my iPhone. He thinks the ’80’s music is cheesy, but otherwise enjoys it. Edward also thinks that Matthew Broderick’s English accent is lacking.

Once the plane is landed, Edward enjoys the sites. He conquers some strange metallic beast.



It was hard to eat, but Edward decides this is exotic food.

Edward decides to stop and smell the flowers.



They smell of plastic Bella Doll’s perfume. Or what he imagines Bella Doll’s perfume smells like. He has only really smelled her packaging.

The mountains and pines beckon to Edward. He climbs a tree. It is reminiscent of this movie he saw once with a human Bella. He remembers the scene well.



He wonders if he can ever persuade Bella Doll out of her box. Alas. For now, he just imagines her presence.



Heartsick, Edward wanders to a snowy patch and whips up a snowman. He must be careful. His powerful vampire hands tend to crush, not mold. He shares his scarf.



It has been a good trip. Edward is glad he has visited Boulder.

Adventures with Edward: Edward writes Bella Doll a poem

Setting: Office of the human



Edward, climbs out of the human’s giant purse and says he’s been thinking. I ask him what about. “Bella Doll,” he says, with a faraway look. “I’ve decided to woo her. Tis time I declared my intentions.”

I set Edward up at my desk and let him brainstorm. After a few minutes I check on his progress.



“Hmm,” I say. “It’s ok, but I think you can do better, Edward. Try again. This time, think about what you like about Bella Doll.”



“Ha.Ha.” I say, rolling my eyes.” Edward laughs uproariously. Boys.

I place Edward off to the side of the computer to think about maybe writing a poem. Edward contemplates.



Poor Edward. He can’t scratch his head. Those elbows just won’t bend enough.

Edward types away at the computer. He tsks. Crosses things out. Thinks more. Types again. This is what he comes up with:



Edward looks to me for approval. “Well?” he asks.

“Umm…Gee, Edward, I’m just so blinded by the love oozing from your words…give me a second to think…”

Edward taps his foot impatiently. It’s the only thing on his body that moves with ease. I pick out the drum line for “Whip It” in his foot taps.

“Edward, I think we should just try to find you some sunglasses.”

Edward sighs deeply and crawls back in my bag. Poor Edward.

Adventures with Edward: Edward takes up a hobby

Setting: living room of the human



One night, Edward wanders over to a stash of yarn. Standing amidst all the yarn, Edward decides he needs a hobby.



Looking around, Edward grabs the first needles he can find and some yarn. He chooses a very manly color.



Poor Edward. Those needles are much too big for him. Unless he wants to do the javelin.

Hunting around, Edward finds something more his size.



Ever so carefully, Edward begins his project. He weilds his toothpick knitting needles like a champ, whipping that embroidery floss into submission.



Quicker than you can say “Vampire Dolls Make Knitting Cool”, Edward finishes his creation. He models his scarf and wonders if Bella Doll will look at him with new plastic eyes.



Either way, he feels stylin.

Adventures with Edward: Edward goes to work with his human

Setting: office desk of the human who carries Edward around in her purse

Edward, bored of the home of his human (aka me), decides to find adventure by tagging along at work.

His first job, to hand me paperclips.





Then, Edward hands me my highlighter. He is feeling very good about himself.




Then like the easily distracted vampire doll that he is, Edward goes a little crazy. He spins himself in my office supply carousel thingy.




Quicker than I can say “Vampire Gone Wild”, Edward wraps himself in tape.





I untangle Edward from the sticky tape. Edward promises to be good.

I send Edward to the copy room to make some copies for me. However, this proves to be a mistake.





I find Edward making mischief. Edward tells me this is the closest he could come of photocopying his hiney. Whatever, I say. He laughs at his handiwork.




I carry Edward Doll back to my desk and tell him he needs to have S.Q.U.I.R.T. Edward looks at me questioningly. It’s ’Silent Quiet Uninterrupted Individual Reading Time’, I explain. I load up Midnight Sun on my iPhone and set Edward down to read.





This lasts five minutes. Then he finds my SIGN HERE tabs.

Adventures with Edward: Edward watches his favorite show

Setting: the computer, where the latest episode of “Men Dolls” is airing



Edward, standing in front of the computer, stares avidly at his favorite show, Men Dolls.





Edward thinks it’s a crying shame that TNT hasn’t picked up this show yet. For now, he will just have to make do with weekly episodes on the innernets.

Edward thinks that Edward Cullen is one handsome doll. Plautonically.

Edward reads the dialogue and laughs uproariously.




Edward wonders what will happen on next week’s episode.

He also thinks that Michael Vartan Doll has a huge forehead.

Adventures with Edward: Edward visits the happiest place on earth

Setting: hot summer day in Orlando, Florida



Edward, still mending from his recent rejection of Bella, who chose the other Edward with the sunglasses, decides to blow this popsicle stand and see the world.

His first stop: Epcot





Edward, standing next to the golf ball thingy realizes while he may be a powerful plastic vampire, he is still very tiny.

Edward roams the park, looking for adventure. Unfortunately, the few rides there are have height restrictions. He can’t eat anything, so sampling the international cuisine is out. His pea coat has no pockets to hold money. Epcot, for plastic vampire dolls, is kind of boring.

For fun, Edward stands by a sparkly Nemo character, just to see if anyone notices him. Edward is jealous of the sparkles.





This becomes dull, so Edward visits a playground. Once again, his height is an issue. Powerful vampire dolls cannot do much on a playground.





Edward spots a rock wall and decides to push it over. No reason, there’s just not much else to do.




Rock wall conquered, Edward decides to see the beach. This is a mistake, as beaches are no place for tiny dolls.





Thankfully, the rushing waves do not drown his plastic lungs, as he cannot breathe anyway.

Edward sighs, and finds a spot to sit, er- stand and ponder.





Edward, seeing the irony, paces and finally throws up his hands in a gesture of impatience.




Suddenly, a Giant Mouse grabs him and hugs him. Edward does not want to fight this behemoth monster so he just holds very still and pretends to be a plastic doll.





The Mouse Monster gently sets Edward down on the sidewalk and ambles away, waving his Hamburger Helper gloves.





Edward catches his breath and realizes he came very close to an early demise.

Adventure quota filled for the day, Edward bids Epcot adieu.

Adventures with Edward: Edward meets Bella

Setting: Carpeted wilderness with just a smidge of civilization



Edward, standing alone attempts to run his fingers through his unruly hair.





He can’t…quite…reach…beennnnddd elllboowwwww….

When suddenly-

He sees a strange sight-





It is…himself. Edward stands, head cocked to the side, looking at this carbon copy.





“Hmpf,” he says. He turns away from the imposter and that’s when he sees her. Bella.

“Bella”, he says, experimentally using her name. “Bellaaaa.” It is like the blood of a gazelle on his tongue.

He comes closer to have a better look. He realizes, this is it, this is the adventure he’s been hunting for.

He beckons to her to come out.





Bella, staring straight ahead says something about “integrity of the packaging” and doesn’t move.

“Besides,” she says. “This Edward has something you’ll never have.”

“What’s that?” Edward asks.

“Sunglasses.”

Edward takes a closer look at the other Edward.





“Dang.”

Edward, one last time looking at the pair of them realizes that they are almost holding hands.





Clearly, Edward cannot compete with the other Edward for the plastic heart of Bella.

Resolutely, Edward turns away and continues attempting to run his hands through his hair.




Almost…there…