Thursday, July 30, 2009

Adventures with Edward: Edward meets Bella

Setting: Carpeted wilderness with just a smidge of civilization

Edward, standing alone attempts to run his fingers through his unruly hair.

He can’t…quite…reach…beennnnddd elllboowwwww….

When suddenly-

He sees a strange sight-

It is…himself. Edward stands, head cocked to the side, looking at this carbon copy.

“Hmpf,” he says. He turns away from the imposter and that’s when he sees her. Bella.

“Bella”, he says, experimentally using her name. “Bellaaaa.” It is like the blood of a gazelle on his tongue.

He comes closer to have a better look. He realizes, this is it, this is the adventure he’s been hunting for.

He beckons to her to come out.

Bella, staring straight ahead says something about “integrity of the packaging” and doesn’t move.

“Besides,” she says. “This Edward has something you’ll never have.”

“What’s that?” Edward asks.


Edward takes a closer look at the other Edward.


Edward, one last time looking at the pair of them realizes that they are almost holding hands.

Clearly, Edward cannot compete with the other Edward for the plastic heart of Bella.

Resolutely, Edward turns away and continues attempting to run his hands through his hair.


Thursday, July 23, 2009

Adventures with Edward: Edward tries to hitch

Setting: Steamy summy night in desolate area

Edward, standing by the side of the road, decides to hitch a ride. He wants to sparkle, to attact someone, but realizes he will have to settle for plastic shiny.

He's a little frustrated that his thumb won't stick up. He thinks he looks like he's trying to hail a cab instead. However, maybe his rugged good looks and his sticky up hair will entice a car to stop.

Lo and behold, a car pulls up.

It's a...butterfly lady with two little kids in the back seat. She stops, asks if he needs a ride and he approaches the car.

She looks safe. However, she doesn't have a ring on her left hand, so he's wondering if she's looking for a baby daddy for her two kids.

But he's looking for some adventure so he hops in. There's just one problem-

Edward can't sit. He doesn't bend. Just his elbows bend, making him look double jointed. He tries different methods. Standing up in the seat isn't very safe, even for a vampire.

Edward tries laying down. But he doesn't feel very manly doing this. Also, he's having trouble with the seat belt and then remembers he's a vampire and doesn't need to fool with trivial human things like seat belts.

He decided to heck with safety. He stands up in the back, ready for adventure. Besides, as he doesn't bend that's his only option. Just as Butterfly Lady is about to take off, some of her friends approach the car.

Edward realizes that this scene is a little out of his league. So, ever the gentleman, he gives up his seat to the platinum blonde who looks the least deranged.

Edward stands by the side of the road, watching the car with all the ladies driving away. He hopes the lady with the wedding dress doesn't fall of the back of the car and continues his search for adventure.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Adventures with Edward

What? What’s that, Edward? You want out of your box?

Ok, there. Feel better?

Well, what would you like to do first, Edward? Perhaps we shall watch a movie. Hmm… what about this?

Oh don’t be so modest, Edward. Have a seat. Feeling a bit peckish? Here’s you a snack.

Oh dear. I wasn’t thinking. Let me see what else I have… Hmm, it seems this is all I’ve got in the way of animal products, Edward. Hope this works.

…it seems I must be better prepared when entertaining a vampire.
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