Friday, April 9, 2010

Adventures with Edward: Edward Sunglasses in a sticky situation

Setting:  Kitchen of the human

"Anyone seen my shield?  I'm late for the Renaissance Festival!", Edward Sunglasses shouts.

"You're such a dork, Edward Sunglasses.  Nobody uses shields anymore," says Edward.

"Well, it came in your box!  What else are you gonna use it for?" Edward Sunglasses shrugs.

Grinning mischievously, Edward slides over a suspicious dish.

Edward Sunglasses stares. "What in the blue blazes is shield??"

Edward laughs uproariously.

"IT'S JELLO!  YOU KNOW...JELLO?  HAHAAHAHA JELLO!"  Edward guffaws.  "Oh man, I got you!  I sooo got you!"

 "You big dummy.  Now I gotta fish that shield gross."  Edward Sunglasses tentatively digs in. 

Unfortunately, Edward Sunglasses doesn't bend so well.

"This is so much worse than that time I only had ground turkey from the tube to eat."

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Adventures with Edward: All My Dolls

Setting:  the set of the new soap opera series called "All My Dolls".

"Aaaand ACTION!"

"Bella, I'm sure glad we're finally together.  I like having you as my woman."  Edward puts his arm around Bella.  Well, as much as his plastic elbows allows.

Bella snuggles next to Edward's plastic pea coat. "Yeah.  Me too.  Oh, so I made this for you.  It's to go with your scarf."

Edward takes the hat and puts it on.  Bella was thoughtful enough to account for his spikey stick uppy hair.  So sweet.

Edward slips it on and turns to Bella.  "Whaddya think?  Is it me?"

Bella taps her chin thoughtfully.

Suddenly, the other dolls point their fingers hands and laugh at Edward.

"HAHAHAHA You look like a dork."

Edward rips the hat off his head and mutters "You guys suck."

Edward #2, seeing this as a chance to steal Bella's attention shouts, "I'll wear it!"

However, as soon as Edward #2 puts on the hat, he realizes he does, indeed, look like a dork and takes it off. 

Turning to Edward Noir, he says "hey man, you wanna try it on?"

Edward Noir sniffs in disgust.  "Are you kidding me?  I am way too cool to wear that thing".

Edward #2 looks pointedly down at Edward Noir's brown shoes with his black suit and blue shirt.  "Gee, Ed, I think you should've been a little more choosy when you got dressed.  You don't match at all."

Edward Noir rolls his plastic eyeballs.  "Whatever.  I'm still too cool."

Edward faces Bella and says in his sultry hushed vampirey voice, "I'm sorry Bella.  I was wrong to not wear your hat.  Would that make you happy?"

Bella, ever dramatic, turns away from Edward and says quietly, "I'll have to think about it.  I need to be alone.  And...just so you know, I think your scarf has a hole." 

Edward takes a deep breath and turns to Edward #2 and Edward Noir.  "Guys, I need my hat back.  I'll look like a dork but I'll have Bella.  So.  Give it here."

Edward #2 reluctantly gives back the hat.  He must think of other ways to steal the affections of Bella.

Love.  It's a tricky complicated crocheted thing.

Now to our sponsor, Sweethearts, for when you want to say BITE ME and have it be a nice thing.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Adventures with Edward: Edward gets arrested

Setting: Texas.

"It all started out so innocently," Edward says. "I was just doing a little sightseeing. I even got a Tshirt that said THE LONESTAR STATE in honor of my trip. Here's what happened...

First stop, the Alamo.

It was kind of boring, so I headed over to the Riverwalk.

Well, THAT was kind of boring so I got ... distracted. And maybe carried away.

First I found me a car.

And that was cool and all, riding around town. And then I came across the President. Or maybe it was a look alike?

Anyways, we posed. He liked my Texas Tshirt and I liked his red tie. We partied down, told jokes, I pushed his bobble head around. Good times.

Then I thought, you know what would be REALLY fun? To drive a REAL car. So I found me a nice car with a sweet sound system and just when I was blasting some Journey...

... that's when the po-po found me. And by "po-po" I mean big hairy uniformed guys in a big hairy car with flashing lights.

They didn't think my little joy ride was all that cute, even when I started throwing down some gangsta rap, so...

...I had to put my hands behind my back. It was just like one of those COPS shows. Only, I'm a plastic doll, and my arms only bend so much. So those policemen had themselves a little mini-conference to discuss how to transport me. This is what they decided:

And there I was, handcuffed and strapped into the car.

I wondered if Bella Doll would think I was a trouble maker, would she post bail? Would Edward Sunglasses make a second appearance? How would Bella Doll even know I'm in jail? What happened to my scarf? HOLY COW I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.

And that's when I woke up.

PSYCH. You think I actually got arrested? Psh.

But I had you going there, didn't I?"

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Adventures with Edward: Edward makes a Christmas wish

Setting: tiny alcove with a Christmas tree

Edward, stands next to his Christmas tree in his new Christmas coat. It's a little roomy.

"Merry Christmas!" I say to Edward.

"Yeah yeah" he says. "I suppose I need to give you a present. Here."

"It's a bauble. I found it in a box with other baubles. In fact, there was one just like it in there."

"Um, thanks, shouldn't have..."

"Yeah it was nothing. Oh, and I got you this too-"

"Ooh! Thanks Edward! Let me open it up and see what's inside!"

"Awesome, Edward! It's stitch markers for knitting and they're all Twilight related!"**

"Yep. Sigh." Edward stares at the ground. And not just because it's all his head can do.

"Umm, Edward, I can't help but notice you are lackluster today. What's wrong?" I ask.

"Well, it's just that I know I won't get my Christmas wish," says Edward

"Then I think it's time I give you your gift, Edward," I say.

"Go on! Open it!" I urge.

Edward pulls out a box cutter. It dawns on him what this is intended for. His eyes sparkle.

I pull Bella's box down and begin to cut it open.

"Don't slice her!" Edward warns.

I roll my eyes.

Suddenly, the plasticky smell of cooped up dolls wafts out. I pull back the plastic and draw Bella Doll out. She doesn't stand up so well, so I prop her up next to the wall.

"What about Edward with the sunglasses?" Edward asks Bella.

Bella shrugs. "I was just ready to get out of the box. And besides, Sunglasses Edward can't take off his glasses. I can look at your eyes."

Edward sighs contentedly.

Sometimes, Christmas wishes do come true.

Merry Christmas from Edward to you!

**And a very special thanks to my sweet cousin who sent me the stitch holders! I love them!!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Adventures with Edward: Edward goes to the movies

Setting: Outside the movie theater

Edward is chillin and relaxin on the fountain outside of the movie theater. He’s all set to see New Moon. If nothing other than to make fun of Jacob. And drool for Bella. She looks just like this doll he knows.

He’s got on his TEAM EDWARD shirt, to show his support. The puff paint looks very manly.

Suddenly, he looks over and sees…himself.

“Hi!” the copy of himself says. It’s eerie. Except for the scarf and Tshirt, this guy looks JUST LIKE HIM.

“Hi!” says Edward. They stare at each other for a moment. It’s like a Twilight Zone moment. They have the same Pea Coat, the same tight fitting jeans. They even have the same spiky hair.

“We must be brothers. Separated at birth. I’m Edward,” says the Edward copy.

“Dude. My name is Edward too. I’m going to see New Moon. Wanna see it with me?”

“Sure, dude.”

They stare at each other for another moment, then go for a man, er- doll hug. It’s awkward and plasticky and their arms don’t bend, but whatever. Bros for life.

Inside in the theater, they share a seat and watch the movie. Jacob definitely has the abs. But Edward has the Bella.

Too bad the concession stand doesn’t sell any mountain lion or gazelles.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Adventures with Edward: Edward and the infomercial

Setting: The Barbie Mansion

One day, Edward is kickin it in the Barbie Mansion.

He’s watching his favorite show:

LOST. Best show EVER. He settles in and watches a re-run. He’s very confused.

A commercial comes on. Edward is instantly captivated.

“The Micro-Snuggie*!” he shouts. “Please can I get one? Please? Pleeeeeeaaaaasssseeee?”

And because I’m a sucker for cute vampire dolls, I say yes.

Edward orders a Snuggie to match his scarf.

Three weeks later, it arrives.

Edward tries it on.

“Well, whaddya think?” Edward says, standing ever so proudly in his new Snuggie.

“Erm, very…manly,” I say.

Edward goes back to watching LOST re-runs. He feels like he’s in the Snuggie infomercial. Too bad there’s no Barbie remote.

Durned if I’m not jealous of Edward’s Snuggie.

* This is not actually a Snuggie. Please do not contact Snuggie asking for a Snuggie, else I shall be sued

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Adventures with Edward: Edward plays charades

Setting: Desk of the human

Edward, bored out of his plastic mind, crawls out of my handbag. He tells me he wants to play a game. I suggest charades with movie titles. Edward rubs his hands in excitement and quickly adjusts his scarf. He begins the first clue.

“Um”, I say. “Umm…Wait! Is it Saving Private Ryan?”

Edward says yes. He is surprised I got it so quickly. He thinks of another clue.

“Wow, a toughie.” I scratch my head. “Ooh! Is it So I Married An Axe Murderer?”

Edward nods yes. He is impressed with my skillz.

He stops a moment, thinking of a really hard one.

Hmmm…I’m going to guess Three Weddings and a Funeral.”

Edward huffs in impatience. He turns over and poses again.

“Ooh ooh! Um, is it Finding Nemo?”

“Dang!” Edward says. He grabs a prop for the next one.

“Duh,” I say. “Ghost.” I roll my eyes.

Edward removes his prop. He thinks hard. He takes his scarf off and poses again.

“Wow. This one is hard. Is it The Fifth Element?”

Edward shakes his head no.

“Hmm, then how about Interview with a Vampire?”

Edward says no again.

“Geez. Ok how about Wolverine?”

Edward just chuckles. I take that as a no.

“Dang. I give up. What’s the answer?”

Twilight,” says Edward. He winds his scarf around his neck and struts back to my bag.
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